


In Fear and Faith

by legatosservant



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: 2005 nostaglia, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst, College AU, Drama, Explicit Language, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Ratings to change, Reader-Insert, Riku is emo, Roxas and Axel and Xion are scene i don't make the rules, Scene Kids, Sora and Kairi are counterculture punk, This is really self indulgent, Your band sings Circa Survive songs, band au, especially if you were scene, if you were a teenager in the 2000s this is going to be a trip, myspace is rampant, reader - Freeform, reader is female
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 05:30:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17995799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legatosservant/pseuds/legatosservant
Summary: Sometimes growing up is a series of traumas, sometimes it’s a series of miraculous fuck ups, sometimes it’s realizing you can’t fucking connect with people because you can’t even connect with yourself, sometimes it’s wishing that you could be absolutely anyone else in the fucking world...And, sometimes, it’s facing the realization that the reason you push people away because you don’t know how you’ll live if they ever leave you.“will we last through the winter? / will we make it to see? / i never wanted a partner / and i never loved you / now you are free to leave”





	In Fear and Faith

**Author's Note:**

> _This story is dedicated to LambofDawn, aka Talia, who is my self-ship buddy and the literal light of my life who I love more than life itself._
> 
>  
> 
> She wanted self indulgent, she wanted a throwback to the 2000's, she wanted **Axel** , and I absolutely _had_  to provide. Not sure how many chapters this will be, probably between 6-10? Yeah, probably. This chapter is short, I feel like I say that a lot, but future chapters will be longer.
> 
> Were you scene in 2005? Did you _know_  anyone scene in 2005? Did you use MySpace? Have a flip phone? Watch TRL and _Viva la Bam_? Start skateboarding to join the X-Games? Listen to _My Chemical Romance_  and _As I Lay Dying_  and _Circa Survive_  and _The Dear Hunter_  and _Chiodos_  and more?
> 
> Then you will not _believe_ the nostalgia. (Though, I'd argue, even if you _didn't_  do those things, you could still enjoy this.)
> 
> Your band, with which you are the lead singer, uses the songs by _Circa Survive_ , my favorite group in 2005 and my favorite now, too. The songs will be the chapter names, and I will link the song in the notes.
> 
> Song: In Fear and Faith  
> Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2mpzfOUhyY

“Some of us have shit to do tomorrow morning, Axel.”

“Don’t worry, Rox, being out late isn’t going to ruin your X-Games dreams, I promise.” Axel grins as his friend shoves him, resulting in him knocking up against some people walking by. Being shoved in to at some hole in the wall, club-rat bar isn’t that unexpected, so the group merely pushed Axel back in the direction of his friends and carried on. More people were piling in, ratted hair and neon pants and leagues of jelly bracelets and candy hearts bangles cast as far as the eye could see. Axel wondered, briefly, if the bar was going to be able to hold any more bodies if they kept filing through with consistent density; but he reasoned that the more bodies there were the harder it would be to be tossed around into the pit. At least, perhaps, slightly.

“Where’d you even hear about this place, Ax?” Xion says loudly, voice bobbing just barely beneath a scream as the volume kicks up in time with the people surrounding them. She was pressed against Roxas, kohl liner in hand, lining Roxas’ eyes expertly even as she was jostled around by the bodies pushing into them. Her teased hair bounced as she maintained her steady hand, Axel looking down to note her and Roxas’ identically matching band tee’s (which they swore they didn’t do on purpose, but Axel wasn’t so sure) stark in comparison to the brightness of the rest of their clothing. 

“Promoters, I think. Some sort of, like, local band roulette or some shit. Some of the more popular ones playing tonight, I guess? Were walking around campus talking about it. Though, honestly, I think they were just mentioning it because this is the first drop point for information about a rave nearby.” Axel’s eyes flicker up, taking in the debatable structural integrity of the stage nearby as it leaned and groaned from the weight of the bodies finishing the set-up for their set. Whoever wasn’t part of the band itself looked to be jumping from the stage as a boy with headphones started talking to a wavy-haired blonde kid, both of them tuning their bass guitars soon after.

“Finally, thought they’d never fucking start.” Roxas says with a groan, his voice actually audible as the other voices began to die down. Before Axel could respond, guitar feedback sounded out through the club and a few people started to sound off with cheers or screams or obscenities. With this, he moved in close to his friends, arm lifting to brace itself against the wall above their heads while Xion grabbed a fistful of his shirt in her hands and Roxas gripped at a beltloop.

Axel leans his head down as the bodies up on the stage started to get into position. “Careful not to rip these, Rox, I know how tempting that must be to you.”

Roxas sneers at him, blue eyes leveling him through his lashes. “Hold your fucking ground against the moshers, then, and I probably won’t.”

“What the fuck’s up? It’s fuckin _Mullet Therapy_ back to tear this fucking place _up_.” A thick, feminine voice fills the room from the giant speakers around the area and a wave of screams respond. Axel picked himself up to his full height, legs bracing against the floor as he leaned farther into the wall and his friends. Eyes list upwards to land on a feminine form bobbing around on center stage as she practically tore the mic from its stand. She pushes her hair from her face before bringing the mic to her lips, eyes parsing the crowd. “You fucking ready for tonight?”

More screams, Axel’s eyes trail along the shapes and lines of the vocalist’ face, her gaze smoldering over the crowd and lips curving with the sharpness of a trickster’s knife. Beside her, a boy with headphones kicks a leg out at her and says something with a grimace, mirth clearly within his eyes even from where Axel was standing.

“Yeah, yeah, we’ll get started, damn!” She says, walking forward to slam her fist into the boy’s arm as he jammed his shoulder into hers. She laughs, Axel does the same involuntarily as he takes note of Xion’s hand grasping and ungrasping his shirt, and he almost turns to her when the girl on stage locks eyes with him. 

Something quick and hot burns in her gaze, a fiery grin on her face, and all at once Axel levels a stare straight at her, matching fire for fire. She had made a move, an attempt to look away, but she stays locked with him for several beats too long. If anyone had made a sound, a motion or mention, he couldn’t hear them, doesn’t think she could either. 

In a moment, as her gaze weans, she looks off behind him and her entire expression falters. In her eyes, something dark and sick replaces heat and fire, and before he could read anything more she tears her eyes away and looks ahead into the crowd. Lips press hard together, eyes blinking like she was struggling to see, and she lets out a quaking breath.

“This first one, it’s--I wrote it... recently. It’s for someone, but they’ll never hear it. Ain’t that how shit always goes?” Axel presses his lips together as the crowd cheers, bodies already rocking and shoving into him as the slow rising melody of the guitars plucked out a repeated harmony. It was haunting, it sunk into the deepest part of him immediately, and as the notes plucked with more intensity, the drum sounded in time with the beat of his heart while the girl let her head fall back.

“ _Can we last through the winter? The weather’s starting to freeze. The only one who remembers, taking the wrong step, falling in front of me._ “ She starts off like she’s desperate, begging, she lets her head fall down towards her chest, free hand thumping her chest as she moved around the stage. “ _This body’s already aging, these nights are already long. And if I last through the winter, I swear to you now, I won’t call.”_

The melody slows in time with the drum beats. “ _Congratulations, go home now._ “ She closes her eyes for a moment, body still as the chord hangs and rises in time with her bounding backwards.

“ _Will we last through the winter? Will we make it to see? I never wanted a partner, and I never loved you,_ “ she glances around, lips pulled tight against teeth and Axel finds himself less and less aware of the throngs of bodies pushing and punching and slamming and squirming around him, “ _now, you are free to leave._ “

Eyes closed again, she brings a hand through her hair and throws her head back. “ _This heart is already frozen, I can’t remember the fall. And if I last through the winter, I swear to you now, I won’t call._ “ Her body slumps forward as she walks towards one of her bassists, the wavy haired blonde one, body pressing against him and cheek to his shoulder. “ _Congratulations, go home now_.”

The instrumental slows again, notes hanging in the air almost painfully before the girl jumps back and the others all leap in time. “ _It’s too late! It’s too late! They won’t let go! Follow five footsteps through that open door, open door._ “ She repeats herself, head whipping around as she jumps and spins around the stage, around her bandmates, and they imitate her in kind. The entire room is hot and thrashing, and Axel finally regains his senses enough to hold his ground as the buffer between his two small friends and the rest of the crowd.

“ _It must be buried under,_ “ she sways low, body lifting as she lifts her head with a hand over her eyes, “ _the heart, that makes this pace consistent. You’ll find it torn, that gate’s been opened. I’ve been wondering_...” Axel sees her eyes slide in his direction, never locking with his, looking past him and through him and somewhere he can’t make out. “ _if you’ve been real with us!_ “

She screams, “ _It’s too late!”_

“ _It’s too late! It’s too late! They won’t let go! Follow five footsteps through that open door, open door!_ “ Hands covering eyes as she jumps and spins and it’s a miracle she doesn’t fall down. She repeats the chorus, her voice breaking as she sang, but it didn’t mar the sound.

“ _It’s start, stop, and go, you’ve been dying for. You’ve been dying for..._ “ She stops, body crouched low, and the notes hold out, reverberating through the room, through Axel’s skin, into his bones, and even as the music ends and the crowd cheers, she doesn’t stand up. As the people around Axel group back into cliques to wait for the next song, he watched as the glasses wearing guitarist girl lifted the vocalist to her feet. The fiery eyed vocalist opens her eyes slowly, gaze burning past him again, while hands moved to grip on the sides of the guitarist’s face.

“That was... good.” Axel’s gaze tears away from the stage to look down at Xion’s words, ultramarine eyes kept locked where his had just been. Lips press together, tongue running over them, before she manages to move her head towards Axel. “That was really good.”

“Yeah.” Roxas didn’t seem as interested in the stage as him or Xion, baby blue eyes scoped out the writhing bodies warily while his free hand lifted to grip at the same beltloop as his other one. “The instrumentals are excellent, I guess coming here wasn’t such a lost cause after all.”

No, definitely not.

 

  


_What’s going on?_

“[Your Name]? Hey, pull it together.”

Shiki’s voice is only barely reaching you from the void you’ve trapped yourself in, eyes straining to stay trained on the blonde-haired boy pinned to the side wall. He looked around petulantly, eyes scanning as he spoke with a near sneer to the girl beside him. You can’t look away, you can’t even form coherent words even as Shiki calls to you and Neku shakes you by the arm of your plaid flannel sleeve.

_What was he doing here?_

“[Your Name].” You snap back to the present, eyes locking with Joshua’s abnormally amethyst ones, as he walks forward and gestures towards the other two beside you. “Let me, just get our equipment.”

“Push responsibility onto us, huh?” Neku’s shoulders rise in defense, fists curling until Shiki’s hand touches his arm and he freezes mid-onslaught.

“Come on, Neku. It’ll just be a second.” She lets her hand linger on his arm as she walks by, him lethargically following after her before she could lose contact.

“It’s a miracle you finished the song.” You don’t reply, eyes attempting to crane back behind Joshua before he grabs your cheeks and pulls your face towards his. “No thanks, you need to listen.”

“I’m listening.” You manage, jaw slackened and breathing shallow.

“What’s going on?”

“I...” You consider mentioning him, consider telling them, but you think better of it. “I wasn’t ready to sing the song.”

Joshua says nothing, his eyes trail over your face for longer than you’d like, before he leans forward and grazes a kiss over your forehead. “I’m sorry.”

_Does he recognize me? He was so lost last I saw him, last he saw me._

“I’m going to help them finish up, why don’t you go outside?” Joshua says as your eyes dart off involuntarily to seek him out, but gaze meeting nothing. “Just go wait in the van.”

“Okay.” You turn heel and march off the stage, down into the crowd, and shove your way to the exit in the corner of the room. The man standing there nods as you approach, opening the door as you burst through it and into the cool fall air of the outdoors. You take one breath, two, before moving backwards to fall against the cracked brick of the building as the sounds of cars and sirens fill the damp alleyway in which you stand. 

“Fancy meeting you here.”

A tenor that could shake the center of the earth rocks through you and you practically snap your head to the side in time with your heart slamming against the cage of your chest. Electric eyes pour into yours, heady and knowing and curious, and all at once the memory comes back.

Red hair, thick and wild and free, eyes like a tepid summer pond, and a face that could call a million bursting thoughts to your mind. He stood at the precipice of the alleyway, light haloing him from behind.

“Fancier seeing you in better light.” You grin against your exhausted expression, pushing yourself up steadily as you leveled a stare. “Definitely taller than I expected.”

“I’m more than most people expect.”

“I bet you are.”

His _eyes_ , they smolder, not with desire or longing, but with fire and challenge. It’s like he’s commanding something, like he’s in on a secret you can’t know and it’s bigger than everything you are. “You did well, on stage. The song was good.”

“Well, if I did badly, we wouldn’t get very far.” You let yourself finally move forward, saunter, but even as you get close you can feel every muscle in your body pulling you away. You glance behind the man, eyes finding your band’s van quickly. “I’m glad you enjoyed.”

“Enjoyed I did.” Silence, you’re an arm’s length away, his eyes still unknowable. “What’s your name?”

You tell him, chest pinging and left arm throbbing. “You just move here?”

“Fall semester started, you know? Some friends and I started around here.” Of course, college. That’s why they’re here.

_Was he there? There’s no way I wouldn’t remember him, right?_

You don’t remember a lot from back then.

“Nice, you and your friends should come by more often, we play every Friday.” _No, **no** , what are you doing?!_

“Fridays are pretty big days, huh? You guys must be big around here.” His hands sat on his hips as he leaned down towards you, leaning heavily on one leg as he stared down.

“Have been for a while, worked hard to get that slot.” You shift your weigh onto the leg closest to his, head tilting as you did so. “Play longer sets usually too, maybe you’ll like our sound.”

“Already do.”

 _You are treading a **thin** fucking line_.

Aren’t you always? Treading so close to the fucking abyss, and you never jump off.

“Axel.” Your chest constricts, and you know your face falters too fast for you to catch, too quick for pond green eyes to ignore. He hesitates for a moment before turning his body around, blonde hair and red skinny jeans and checkered wristbands and thin chest and delicate neck stand just out of reach. You can’t take your eyes away, even as baby blue ones snap to yours and hold you still. “You’re the singer, yeah? You guys were good, really good.”

Words like a song better than you could ever sing and so familiar you could die. “Thanks. I was just finished telling...” You look up at him, testing the sounds you’d heard the boy say experimentally. “Axel, we play on Fridays. You guys should come back.”

_Every step you take is like a jump into your own grave._

“Sounds like fun.” A girl says from beside the boy, teased hair silky and soft in a way you never could manage. “You guys have a MySpace?”

“Yeah, some of our other songs are on there.” You think back, wondering if there were images you needed to erase. “It’s _Mullet Therapy_. Our band name.”

“Cute.” Axel says, hand pressing to the small of your back in a way that commanded your attention immediately. “Definitely memorable.”

“Don’t say your shitty catchphrase.” The blonde boy says dryly, baby blue eyes resting on your form again. “Fridays, huh?”

“Yes, yeah, definitely.” Too eager, bring it back. “You guys should come, see if you like us better without all the rave scenecore kids.”

“We liked you tonight.” Axel’s tenor hits you again, his entire hand pressing against your back as he speaks, fingers almost tracing lines. “Isn’t that enough?”

 _It should be! It fucking **should be**!_ “No way, we always need more fans.” You lie, grin spreading on to your face but gaze never lifting to meet his even as you turn to the side. “Always like knowing the faces in the crowd.”

“[Your Name]!” You grab at Axel’s arm in order to crane back to see Neku with his hands over his chest, foot tapping impatiently. “Let’s _fucking go_.”

“We’ll be here.” Axel pulls his arm out from your grasp, and you lean into his hand as he grasps your shoulder. “Next Friday.”

“Okay--”

“ **[Your Name]!**“

“ **I’m coming!** “ You yell, teeth gnashing as you stomp forward, eyes lingering the barest minimum over the blonde before you trek forward. “See you guys.”

You sprint up to Neku, hands reaching out as you noticed his eyes narrow in the direction of the group behind you.

“Let’s go.”

“Wait, who were they?”

“Some fans, let’s go.”

“That... that looks like--”

“ **Let’s go**.” You shove Neku through the sliding door of the van, slamming it shut behind you soon after.

_I will never fucking learn._


End file.
